


Becoming Second Nature

by fenerkulesi



Category: Kamen Rider Gaim, Kamen Rider Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-14
Updated: 2013-12-14
Packaged: 2018-01-04 13:59:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1081839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fenerkulesi/pseuds/fenerkulesi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're using Team Gaim. You do it almost completely without thinking.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Becoming Second Nature

It was easy. That surprised you.

Maybe, looking back, it shouldn't have. If it wasn't easy you were going to _make it be_ , and. That was that. Maybe, looking back, that alone should have given you pause. It didn't. You shoved it aside and refused to think about it again.

(And that explains so much, doesn't it?)

You're determined, and you know exactly what you want. Everything in your life has already been decided for you, from where you live to how you die, and you hate it you hate it you _hate it_. You just. Want out. If not Yggdrasill, what would you do? You haven't thought about it at all. No, first things first. You have to be sure you can get _away_ from there before you can even think about what comes next. You get why that uncertainty can be scary. You find it exhilarating.

The first time you go out with the intention to start something else is during a break. Nobody confronts you, but if they had, it wouldn't be the first time you had left to study somewhere that isn't home. How else would you have learned to where to go to watch the Beat Riders without being _seen_? You've had plenty of time to watch and make your choice. It doesn't take you as long as you thought it would to decide. When you approach Team Gaim you're shy at first, because for all the confidence in the world, all the confidence in what you want to do, you still have no idea what you're _doing_.

(And that's the worst part, really, isn't it?)

So when you introduce yourself and _Micchy_ comes out, off the cuff, you're surprised at how smooth it was. Nobody else seems to notice, and carries on like you didn't slip up at all. Your introduction shakes up the routine they'd been working on but it was a new routine and they work you in rather quickly. By the end of the day you're – actually, you're still pretty terrible, but that's okay. All of them make it look easy but you've been there. Something looking easy is completely different from it actually being that way. It's kind of nice, being the worst at something for once.

You're relieved. It just wouldn't do for things to end so quickly. You smile to yourself. You chose the right ones after all. Team Gaim is good, but not the best. They work hard, but at the same time their biggest priority is just having fun. You're able to just forget about everything your family wants you to be. It's relaxing. It's refreshing. It's addicting.

You're using them. It's always at the back of your mind when you're with them. At first, it doesn't bother you. It's true. That's why you sought them out in the first place. That's why you continue to spend time with them. Taking advantage of them is effortless. You do it almost completely without thinking.

(No, maybe this is the worst part. You're awful.)

Eventually, it starts to get to you. Eventually, you want to say or do something but you want to keep your secrets more. You hate feeling guilty. No. Hate feeling _powerless_. It makes you sick and before long it starts keeping you awake at night. But you're careful careful careful not to let that bleed into anything else. It's your problem. You can deal with it just fine.

Then one day you can't. You go into Team Gaim's hangout as you do every day, and it's just Chucky and Rica there. They ask you what's wrong and you're _furious_ at yourself but to them you shrug it off. You're so absorbed in your thoughts that you don't notice them giving you space. Soon they decide it's been enough time and before you know it you're on the street. They link your arms in theirs and drag you to Drupers. You listen to them. Laugh. Forget being guilty. Forget being powerless. Just like that.

On your way home you realize that you're not using them anymore. On your way home you realize that it's become genuine on your end, too.

(What you didn't account for was just how _happy_ that would make you.)

You're not one for dramatic metaphors. They get used enough in school, and they have no place in a Beat Rider team. Still, it's impossible for you not to think of your life as a gilded cage. The comparison is just too perfect. And cages have bars, don't they? It's not long before it becomes your own little game, seeing just how much you can make them bend.

(and bend. and _bend_.)

At first, it's hard. You have to learn how to balance yourself. The two halves of your life must never ever ever intersect. It should cause you a lot of stress and it does sometimes but that's okay. Less sleep? You deal with it. Less time? You deal with it. More work? You deal with it. It's simple, really. All you have to do is just remind yourself it's worth it.

But while you can handle yourself just fine, you find that watching out for other people in that life you hate gets harder and harder. Some days you almost forget yourself and come home dangerously late. You always have to act like that matters, even when reality says it doesn't. The only person who even notices is your brother and then not even all the time. Lying to him gets easier and easier and before long it's almost an instinct.

You weren't worried about that at the beginning, and you're not worried about it now. You used to be close, once. You're not anymore. Maybe that should make you sad, even just a little bit, but it doesn't, not at all. Over the last few years, you've grown apart. He's gotten more and more and more absorbed in his work while you've started to care less and less and less. It's only natural that you've just. Stopped talking.

When you started this you would smile, and nod, and tell him what he wanted to hear. Now you're blunt. Short. Say what you must so he'll leave you alone. You wonder if he's noticed the difference. You don't wonder what he thinks, if he has. He's part of what you'd do anything to leave behind, so. You don't care.

(You _don't_.)


End file.
